Home + Me = Tempation
.... and here I am, being as strong as ever, which is a first while I'm at home. It's actually a first in a long time.
It feels good to be good.The tempation I'm talking about is
food. Normally on special occasions, such as a trip to see your family,
[p.s. that's me and my goofy little sister on the right] one would allow oneself to eat whatever they wanted... Just for the weekend.
But for me, it's not that easy.
I have binge eating disorder.
I eat until I can't breathe. I know, it's disgusting, and I thought I would be the last person on the planet to ever contract an eating disorder, especially after what I went through to lose weight in a healthy and safe manner, thereafter deciding my major in school to be Kinesiology with an emphasis on Fitness and Nutrition, so that I may one day be a trainer to many, within my own gym.
*sigh* but here I am, living it, breathing it,
eating it...
Dealing with it.I was seeing a therapist, but I stopped... And the binging is starting to get better. Weird.
I just have to be strong, stay motivated, keep my eyes on my goal... To beat this. To be healthy. To lead a normal life... And hopefully, in the process, get back into the best shape I've ever been in.
Tomorrow, I expect, will be particularly difficult. My family just bought a $7,000 grill, and so we're having a fatty
[pun intended] bbq. I'm nervous about seeing everyone, since I've
gained weight since the last time I was home... But I'm trying to put that in the back of my mind and focus on catching up with everyone, being social, and keeping AWAY from the huge mounds of food.
Whenever I get tempted, I'll try to lock myself away in here and write. That seems to do the trick.
So, here's to a hopefully successful, stress-free bbq, family, and friends. Bon Apetit!
Am I only worth the food court?
I guess I spoke too soon about not having any qualms with Boyfriend.
This past week has been increasingly difficult, not only physically but in terms of our relationship as well. I'm so used to seeing him
all day every day, that not seeing him or sleeping with him is making me a little cranky.
Ah, how I miss the days of summer. So, in light of all of the time we're NOT spending together, and how hard this hell week has been, Boyfriend offered to take me out to dinner tonight. (A little side-note here: I LOVE being wined and dined. I LOVE dressing up. I LOVE doing something out of our ordinary Lean Cuisine and
Entourage marathon watching.) Naturally, I've been excited the entire day. Throughout both of my training sessions, all I could think about was "Just get through this, and have a nice evening out with some nice conversation and nice food with the nice man in your life."
Midday, I receive a text message from Boyfriend suggesting we catch a movie as well. He asks me to check the times (which for some strange reason annoys me,) and so I do. It's a movie I want to see too, so that's fine. After my second practice, I realize that I hate being rushed through a meal to make sure we have time for a movie, so I text Boyfriend asking if we could just eat downtown and skip the movie part. (And besides... You don't HAVE to dress up for a movie. It's dark in there! No one can see all of my beautiful work.) He replies, "I would rather just see the movie and eat dinner at home."
And so, I am fuming. This seems like a small inconvenience, but the thing is, I've honestly been looking forward to this dinner date all damn day! I'm leaving in the morning to go home for the weekend, so I won't see him then either, and next weekend we have a team camping trip. I will not see him very much at all for the next MONTH or so. Which, to me, is an eternity. So I respond with a curt "fine
." (period for emphasis on my anger.) to which he says "We can always go to the food court."
Oh. My. God.
So at this point I'm crying because everything has just piled up and I'm so frustrated and then he has the
audacity to suggest fast food. [yuck.] I didn't respond. I'm still kind of seething.
I know the only reason he wants to go to the movies instead of dinner is because it's cheaper.
I HATE that about him. I deserve more, especially right now.
I'm so
AGGRIVATED. I need a shower.
Sometimes I wanna have a baby.
It's so weird. For the past couple of months, whenever I see a baby commercial or hear anything relatively involving babies, I get so excited. I've always known I wanted to be a mother... So why am I all of the sudden wishing that I had a baby growing inside of me?
Roomie A says that it's because I'm in a long-term relationship for the first time, and
I'm a woman, so it's only natural. Roomie AM agreed; She's been with her boyfriend for about a year now and she says she's had the same feelings of maternity. This kind of scares me, because even the thought of
pregnancy 8 months ago made me cringe. I wouldn't give it a second thought, an abortion would happen, and I would never look back. But now that I think of it..... I would probably still have an abortion, but it would be a difficult decision. Like I said, these are scary thoughts, and I'm not sure where they're coming from. I can honestly see myself spending the rest of my life with Boyfriend... But don't ALL females my age wish for that connection?
Sometimes I think girls want so badly to have that eternal love guarantee, that they put guys on a pedestal and ignore the little things that could potentially be relationship-killers. I don't see any killers in my relationship with Boyfriend... I see happiness. Acceptance. However, I also see immaturity... In both of us. I don't know... Maybe that's why I feel this way about having a baby right now. It would force us into some sort of maturity that I wish would just come already, along with the fairy-tale wedding and the white-picket fence.
Why am I so restless?
Is it cheating if...?
So... Day 2 of hell weeks.
I can barely move. I've honestly never been this sore in my life... It's disheartening. It makes me feel fat.
I left my cell phone at Boyfriend's this morning, and I must admit I feel a bit naked without it. I didn't really think about how much I rely on that thing. For the time, for connection to the rest of the world. It's sad really... But what's worse is I'm nervous that Boyfriend might go through my text messages.
I don't have anything to hide... Exactly. There's a guy from my past... We'll call him Army Man. He's one raunchy son-of-a-bitch... I mean seriously, he likes to get down and dirty. And while I've never done anything like that with him, he's always tried. We used to talk frequently through text messages, IM and e-mail... And I would reciprocate his naughty verbal foreplay. But ever since Boyfriend and I have been together, I have definitely cut off with the sex-texting... Except that Army Man still does it. I don't respond in the way he expects me to, but I don't tell him to stop either. I saw Army Man recently, and the texting started up again for a little bit, but like I said, I didn't respond in a sex-kitten way. However... Since my cell phone deletes all of my Sent Messages, Boyfriend has no idea how I could have responded to Army Man's incessant naughtiness. I'm not sure if I deleted his messages or not... Because I honestly didn't think to. I've been trying to get into contact with Boyfriend all day, calling from my house and then from a friend's cell phone, but he hasn't picked up. I know he's not the type of person to go through my things, but that damn "what-if" that always lurks around in my worry-wart-brain is kicking into full gear.
So I'm left to wonder;
Did I delete those seemingly incriminating text messages? If not, did he read them? And if so, did he read more into them than what they really were? This is so confusing, and
I'm so ridden with guilt that I can't help but feel sick about it.When I put myself in his shoes, I would be upset. If some girl was texting him nasty things and he made no effort to stop her, regardless of whether or not he reciprocated, I would be very
jealous and angry... But he's not like me.
He's not jealous like that. I'm still not sure if those messages are even there... But the thought is killing me.
So here I am, in my college cafeteria, awaiting a final that I know I will fail. That's another thing that's making me sick... If I fail this class for a SECOND time, I'll feel like a failure... Times two. What the hell is wrong with me?!
I'm so fucking lazy sometimes.
Grrrrr. Bad day.
I'm in so much pain. Literally.
Yeah, today marks the first day of many 2-a-days, aka
hell weeks for soccer. My weak left ankle hurts like hell, and my left hip flexor is pleading for me to just crawl into a hole and die.
Yep, these next 2 weeks are gonna be greeeeeeeeeaaaaaaat.Well, actually, I'm kind of excited. Hopefully I'll be too busy to binge, and I'll lose the weight that I've gained since this whole thing started.
The hardest part is seeing people that I haven't seen in awhile, and I can see it on their face... They're thinking
"oh-mah-gawd... She looked so good, and now she's getting fat again." Even when my best friend came down to visit me this past weekend, I could see it in her eyes. I know that most people don't mean to think it, don't mean to let the thought be so blatantly obvious... But they can't help it. It's human nature. I do it too sometimes. But...
Wow. It hurts something terrible.Boyfriend claims not to notice. But I know he does....
And that hurts twice as bad.I just talked to my little sister. I told her I deleted my MySpace, and she asked why. I told her that I
feel like something needs to change in my life, and that website is such a time-suck, and I felt the need to get rid of it.. Maybe cleanse myself of whatever seems to be subconsciously plaguing me. She said, (verbatum) "ew, that's creepy."
.... What?
I'm already grumpy because my body is aching so much, and so I say, "you're a bitch," because honestly, she is. It's not a bad thing, it's just her. She promptly responded with "why am I a bitch, I just said it was creepy. You're a weirdo now-a-days... I don't even know you anymore."
And you know what? She doesn't. Just like I have no clue who she is anymore. I don't know my parents either... We've always been so close, but through therapy I've come to realize... They kinda fucked me up a little bit. Not intentionally of course, but through their actions, both verbal and non-verbal, they've created a young woman with terrible self-esteem and body dysmorphia. I don't blame them for all of this... But I can't shake the feeling that I need to separate myself from them in order to get over this. It's sad... But I think it may be true.
Thank God I have Boyfriend... He really is my solidarity in all of this. I'm honestly so thankful for him. I think I'll go over to his house right now, actually.
I think this blog is the beginning of a beautiful relationship with the web. No MySpace junkie here! Just a girl typing her thoughts and sending them out into cyber-space... Hoping for some sort of release.
