Monday, August 14, 2006

I'm in so much pain. Literally.

Yeah, today marks the first day of many 2-a-days, aka hell weeks for soccer. My weak left ankle hurts like hell, and my left hip flexor is pleading for me to just crawl into a hole and die. Yep, these next 2 weeks are gonna be greeeeeeeeeaaaaaaat.
Well, actually, I'm kind of excited. Hopefully I'll be too busy to binge, and I'll lose the weight that I've gained since this whole thing started.
The hardest part is seeing people that I haven't seen in awhile, and I can see it on their face... They're thinking "oh-mah-gawd... She looked so good, and now she's getting fat again." Even when my best friend came down to visit me this past weekend, I could see it in her eyes. I know that most people don't mean to think it, don't mean to let the thought be so blatantly obvious... But they can't help it. It's human nature. I do it too sometimes. But... Wow. It hurts something terrible.
Boyfriend claims not to notice. But I know he does.... And that hurts twice as bad.
I just talked to my little sister. I told her I deleted my MySpace, and she asked why. I told her that I feel like something needs to change in my life, and that website is such a time-suck, and I felt the need to get rid of it.. Maybe cleanse myself of whatever seems to be subconsciously plaguing me. She said, (verbatum) "ew, that's creepy."
.... What?
I'm already grumpy because my body is aching so much, and so I say, "you're a bitch," because honestly, she is. It's not a bad thing, it's just her. She promptly responded with "why am I a bitch, I just said it was creepy. You're a weirdo now-a-days... I don't even know you anymore."
And you know what? She doesn't. Just like I have no clue who she is anymore. I don't know my parents either... We've always been so close, but through therapy I've come to realize... They kinda fucked me up a little bit. Not intentionally of course, but through their actions, both verbal and non-verbal, they've created a young woman with terrible self-esteem and body dysmorphia. I don't blame them for all of this... But I can't shake the feeling that I need to separate myself from them in order to get over this. It's sad... But I think it may be true.
Thank God I have Boyfriend... He really is my solidarity in all of this. I'm honestly so thankful for him. I think I'll go over to his house right now, actually.
I think this blog is the beginning of a beautiful relationship with the web. No MySpace junkie here! Just a girl typing her thoughts and sending them out into cyber-space... Hoping for some sort of release.

posted by Ambrielle @ 4:04 PM

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