Broken Hearts and Misled Youths

Is it cheating if...?

So... Day 2 of hell weeks. I can barely move. I've honestly never been this sore in my life... It's disheartening. It makes me feel fat.
I left my cell phone at Boyfriend's this morning, and I must admit I feel a bit naked without it. I didn't really think about how much I rely on that thing. For the time, for connection to the rest of the world. It's sad really... But what's worse is I'm nervous that Boyfriend might go through my text messages. I don't have anything to hide... Exactly. There's a guy from my past... We'll call him Army Man. He's one raunchy son-of-a-bitch... I mean seriously, he likes to get down and dirty. And while I've never done anything like that with him, he's always tried. We used to talk frequently through text messages, IM and e-mail... And I would reciprocate his naughty verbal foreplay. But ever since Boyfriend and I have been together, I have definitely cut off with the sex-texting... Except that Army Man still does it. I don't respond in the way he expects me to, but I don't tell him to stop either. I saw Army Man recently, and the texting started up again for a little bit, but like I said, I didn't respond in a sex-kitten way. However... Since my cell phone deletes all of my Sent Messages, Boyfriend has no idea how I could have responded to Army Man's incessant naughtiness. I'm not sure if I deleted his messages or not... Because I honestly didn't think to. I've been trying to get into contact with Boyfriend all day, calling from my house and then from a friend's cell phone, but he hasn't picked up. I know he's not the type of person to go through my things, but that damn "what-if" that always lurks around in my worry-wart-brain is kicking into full gear.
So I'm left to wonder; Did I delete those seemingly incriminating text messages? If not, did he read them? And if so, did he read more into them than what they really were? This is so confusing, and I'm so ridden with guilt that I can't help but feel sick about it.
When I put myself in his shoes, I would be upset. If some girl was texting him nasty things and he made no effort to stop her, regardless of whether or not he reciprocated, I would be very jealous and angry... But he's not like me. He's not jealous like that. I'm still not sure if those messages are even there... But the thought is killing me.
So here I am, in my college cafeteria, awaiting a final that I know I will fail. That's another thing that's making me sick... If I fail this class for a SECOND time, I'll feel like a failure... Times two. What the hell is wrong with me?! I'm so fucking lazy sometimes. Grrrrr. Bad day.

posted by Ambrielle @ 4:36 PM